I wanted to see what's inside of me, and I saw the world staring right back.
Sunday, June 27, 2004
Moving On.
3:11am. Minutes ago. I just got off the phone with my life partner Harry who has paid our mutual friend Paolo, a much appreciated visit. Paolo is a flight steward from Emirates Airlines who’ve flown so often back to Singapore (where I, and a lot of his friends, are based) and Manila where his family is. We always thought this was a great privilege from a very good profession that not only pays well, but also affords him the means to travel and witness all the places of this world. But all the world that means to Paolo, is with his family. This visit to Manila this time, was to witness his father pass into the next life to meet the Maker.
Despite belonging to a gregarious circle like ours, Paolo has always maintained that quiet demeanor about him, that both beguiled us and endeared him to us. When he stayed at my Singapore home for a week recently, we spent more time commiserating with each other than ever since we met just a little more than a year ago. In that short period, I learned of his dreams of better days for his family, his ailing mother whose spirit fights like the North Wind, his love life that posed so many questions. He is stationed in Dubai half the month, and flies everywhere else in the world during the other half, and his concept of Home has changed so much since he began work as flight crew last year. And through all the visits here, and the parties, and the quiet talks, all we gleaned from Paolo was this clear resolve to make it through these trials, and emerge beautiful and new as he closes chapter after chapter of his life. It’s possible that I just haven’t realized how much strength lives in his soul. I hadn’t mentioned to him how admirable his resilience is.
No one, I realize too, is exempt from these trials. There are people whose days are spent seeing themselves through all sorts – jobs that make them miserable, people who misjudge them, and dreams that never come true. And while God and His Presence in our lives are usually enough to alleviate the pain somewhat, there is this part that we ourselves have to carry out. There is a consciousness that we have to open our minds to. There is a truth that we have to open our hearts to. All the other religions and faiths on Earth have a concept of it. Some of us understand it, well enough, we think. Some have a skin-deep grasp. Most of us don’t bother to acknowledge it until a time comes, like a painful break-up with a partner, or the loss of precious property, or the demise of a beloved father.
Change. The only thing that IS constant.
Things happen. The world spins. People change. The reason so many faiths and schools of thought acknowledge the immutable power of the Now is that change is always upon us. We are now taught, not to hold on to anything, but just observe and experience things mindfully. We are supposed to just embrace these things as they come, learn all we can from them, and then, let go. The learning part is very important because that is how we avoid the lashes of the future, in whatever form it takes. It’s what builds our spirit. It’s what makes us grow, in strength, and in knowledge, which IS strength. Strength is what all of us pray for before sleeping at night. We will it for ourselves by taking hold of the present moment, which is all we have in our grip. Past and future, what happened before and what will be from Now, are just illusions that we cannot touch. Within this moment, we can tell ourselves, “It’s OK, I’ll move on,” and it’ll start us off to healing. We can think about the best things that happened to us and celebrate the fact that we had them. We look forward to the great things that will happen from today, because of good decisions, good friends, and good intentions. Strengthening the Self must be so all-important, because for us to survive this tumult called “life”, we need to realize that there are many things and people in this world that we have absolutely no control over…we only really HAVE ourselves.
We only have ourselves, and Now.
Knowing this, what can we possibly do to make the tumult more tolerable? The lessons are glaringly common lines of action, but their ends will surprise us. Make that phone call and say “sorry” to someone you’ve wronged, deliberately or not. Hug your brother today and tell him how much you appreciate his love. Teach a child a new fact about the sciences of this world. Help paint a mural for a school for autistic kids. Send some letters of cheer and paperback novels to soldiers stationed in the Middle East. Take a walk by the river you always pass on the way to work, but this time, stop and see how serenely the morning sunlight gleams on the calming flow, from the city out to the sea. Take your life partner and tell him or her about how the world has changed for you since you met, and how it just keeps getting better and happier by the passing day. Enjoy things while they last. It’s really more than just romance. I’m writing this from the top of my head, half eluding sleep, and half hoping I’d get enough of it so I’ll be alert at the office tomorrow (actually, later this morning). But it’s something I know, I would like to express, now.
Yes, it’s in the books. But how much of that idea really shakes our mind, like the death of someone we love. It may be that I wrote this now because for some remotely possible reason, I may not live to see today’s sunrise, and I wish for this missive to reach Paolo, Harry, my friends, my family, and whomever my thoughts had any value to. I know someday, I’ll need to surrender my life, let go of my belongings, my relationships, my ideas a few more times, before I move on to the next life. And I believe there is a Next. So for now, I’ll hug it for a while. And then, like my eyes enjoying the last few seconds of sunset in the dusk horizon, I will let go, and just wait for the next twilight.
4:45am, 25 June 2004
Singapore
3:11am. Minutes ago. I just got off the phone with my life partner Harry who has paid our mutual friend Paolo, a much appreciated visit. Paolo is a flight steward from Emirates Airlines who’ve flown so often back to Singapore (where I, and a lot of his friends, are based) and Manila where his family is. We always thought this was a great privilege from a very good profession that not only pays well, but also affords him the means to travel and witness all the places of this world. But all the world that means to Paolo, is with his family. This visit to Manila this time, was to witness his father pass into the next life to meet the Maker.
Despite belonging to a gregarious circle like ours, Paolo has always maintained that quiet demeanor about him, that both beguiled us and endeared him to us. When he stayed at my Singapore home for a week recently, we spent more time commiserating with each other than ever since we met just a little more than a year ago. In that short period, I learned of his dreams of better days for his family, his ailing mother whose spirit fights like the North Wind, his love life that posed so many questions. He is stationed in Dubai half the month, and flies everywhere else in the world during the other half, and his concept of Home has changed so much since he began work as flight crew last year. And through all the visits here, and the parties, and the quiet talks, all we gleaned from Paolo was this clear resolve to make it through these trials, and emerge beautiful and new as he closes chapter after chapter of his life. It’s possible that I just haven’t realized how much strength lives in his soul. I hadn’t mentioned to him how admirable his resilience is.
No one, I realize too, is exempt from these trials. There are people whose days are spent seeing themselves through all sorts – jobs that make them miserable, people who misjudge them, and dreams that never come true. And while God and His Presence in our lives are usually enough to alleviate the pain somewhat, there is this part that we ourselves have to carry out. There is a consciousness that we have to open our minds to. There is a truth that we have to open our hearts to. All the other religions and faiths on Earth have a concept of it. Some of us understand it, well enough, we think. Some have a skin-deep grasp. Most of us don’t bother to acknowledge it until a time comes, like a painful break-up with a partner, or the loss of precious property, or the demise of a beloved father.
Change. The only thing that IS constant.
Things happen. The world spins. People change. The reason so many faiths and schools of thought acknowledge the immutable power of the Now is that change is always upon us. We are now taught, not to hold on to anything, but just observe and experience things mindfully. We are supposed to just embrace these things as they come, learn all we can from them, and then, let go. The learning part is very important because that is how we avoid the lashes of the future, in whatever form it takes. It’s what builds our spirit. It’s what makes us grow, in strength, and in knowledge, which IS strength. Strength is what all of us pray for before sleeping at night. We will it for ourselves by taking hold of the present moment, which is all we have in our grip. Past and future, what happened before and what will be from Now, are just illusions that we cannot touch. Within this moment, we can tell ourselves, “It’s OK, I’ll move on,” and it’ll start us off to healing. We can think about the best things that happened to us and celebrate the fact that we had them. We look forward to the great things that will happen from today, because of good decisions, good friends, and good intentions. Strengthening the Self must be so all-important, because for us to survive this tumult called “life”, we need to realize that there are many things and people in this world that we have absolutely no control over…we only really HAVE ourselves.
We only have ourselves, and Now.
Knowing this, what can we possibly do to make the tumult more tolerable? The lessons are glaringly common lines of action, but their ends will surprise us. Make that phone call and say “sorry” to someone you’ve wronged, deliberately or not. Hug your brother today and tell him how much you appreciate his love. Teach a child a new fact about the sciences of this world. Help paint a mural for a school for autistic kids. Send some letters of cheer and paperback novels to soldiers stationed in the Middle East. Take a walk by the river you always pass on the way to work, but this time, stop and see how serenely the morning sunlight gleams on the calming flow, from the city out to the sea. Take your life partner and tell him or her about how the world has changed for you since you met, and how it just keeps getting better and happier by the passing day. Enjoy things while they last. It’s really more than just romance. I’m writing this from the top of my head, half eluding sleep, and half hoping I’d get enough of it so I’ll be alert at the office tomorrow (actually, later this morning). But it’s something I know, I would like to express, now.
Yes, it’s in the books. But how much of that idea really shakes our mind, like the death of someone we love. It may be that I wrote this now because for some remotely possible reason, I may not live to see today’s sunrise, and I wish for this missive to reach Paolo, Harry, my friends, my family, and whomever my thoughts had any value to. I know someday, I’ll need to surrender my life, let go of my belongings, my relationships, my ideas a few more times, before I move on to the next life. And I believe there is a Next. So for now, I’ll hug it for a while. And then, like my eyes enjoying the last few seconds of sunset in the dusk horizon, I will let go, and just wait for the next twilight.
4:45am, 25 June 2004
Singapore
Wednesday, October 29, 2003
the lotus
cascades its petals
to its sides
touching the water below
petals open in fullness
facing straight above
in sheer love of its blue sky
in adoration of its expanse
and all life flying by
the sun, moon and stars
and all that was meant to be up there
and all that wasn't meant to be reached...
and that is all it could do
while it waits to wither
no rain can taunt it
no sun can blind it
but to love
IS
all it could do.
cascades its petals
to its sides
touching the water below
petals open in fullness
facing straight above
in sheer love of its blue sky
in adoration of its expanse
and all life flying by
the sun, moon and stars
and all that was meant to be up there
and all that wasn't meant to be reached...
and that is all it could do
while it waits to wither
no rain can taunt it
no sun can blind it
but to love
IS
all it could do.
Don't cling to anything and don't reject anything. Let come what comes, and accomodate yourself to that, whatever it is. If good mental images arise, that is fine. If bad mental images arise, that is fine, too. Look on all of it as equal, and make yourself comfortable with whatever happens. Don't fight with what you experience, just observe it all mindfully.
-Bhante Henepola Gunaratana, "Mindfulness in Plain English"
Copyright Wisdom Publications 2001. Reprinted from "Daily
-Bhante Henepola Gunaratana, "Mindfulness in Plain English"
Copyright Wisdom Publications 2001. Reprinted from "Daily
My song tonight
croons of surrender
to end the toil
but not embrace defeat
the war in my mind
has taken my muse
and sacrificed it to the cause
just so I would have
this fragile peace
as burning the desire is
to conquer a chamber in your kingdom
I yearn for forgiveness
more than anything
for insisting on knowing you
and asking for too much
you give, for my sake
I know not why, for yours
I can only pray
that when all the dust has settled
and all the woes have gone
I can find you still
although not in the same field
still with a soul to share
and song to sing
croons of surrender
to end the toil
but not embrace defeat
the war in my mind
has taken my muse
and sacrificed it to the cause
just so I would have
this fragile peace
as burning the desire is
to conquer a chamber in your kingdom
I yearn for forgiveness
more than anything
for insisting on knowing you
and asking for too much
you give, for my sake
I know not why, for yours
I can only pray
that when all the dust has settled
and all the woes have gone
I can find you still
although not in the same field
still with a soul to share
and song to sing
IT’S MY WORLD TOO !
Theme Song of “Mission: Green Rock”
Some days, I feel the world’s too hot
My mind’s so thirsty, I don’t know why
Some nights, I dream of forests burning,
Oceans drying…and children cry.
Why do you take more than you need?
Why don’t you just stop and believe?
Someone like us can make a difference
If that someone takes the dare
The planet’s running out on us
Some people don’t seem to care
Well, it’s my world too, ‘gotta save this Rock!
It’s my world too, ‘gonna cut the talk
It’s my world too, ‘gonna change the way
My future is happening here and now
Gotta save what I can of this world somehow
No time to mess up!
It’s time to save up!
You better! You know why?
Cause it’s my world too!
Someday, I’d like my kids to swim
In the same clear river I used to see
Someday, I’d like them to see the whales
And dolphins in the great blue sea
Sometimes we don’t know what we love
Till someone takes it away from us
Someone like us can make a difference
If that someone takes the dare
The planet’s running out on us
Some people don’t seem to care
Well, it’s my world too, ‘gotta save this Rock!
It’s my world too, ‘gonna cut the talk
It’s my world too, ‘gonna change the way
My future is happening here and now
Gotta save what I can of this world somehow
No time to mess up!
It’s time to save up!
You better! You know why?
Cause it’s my world too!
Theme Song of “Mission: Green Rock”
Some days, I feel the world’s too hot
My mind’s so thirsty, I don’t know why
Some nights, I dream of forests burning,
Oceans drying…and children cry.
Why do you take more than you need?
Why don’t you just stop and believe?
Someone like us can make a difference
If that someone takes the dare
The planet’s running out on us
Some people don’t seem to care
Well, it’s my world too, ‘gotta save this Rock!
It’s my world too, ‘gonna cut the talk
It’s my world too, ‘gonna change the way
My future is happening here and now
Gotta save what I can of this world somehow
No time to mess up!
It’s time to save up!
You better! You know why?
Cause it’s my world too!
Someday, I’d like my kids to swim
In the same clear river I used to see
Someday, I’d like them to see the whales
And dolphins in the great blue sea
Sometimes we don’t know what we love
Till someone takes it away from us
Someone like us can make a difference
If that someone takes the dare
The planet’s running out on us
Some people don’t seem to care
Well, it’s my world too, ‘gotta save this Rock!
It’s my world too, ‘gonna cut the talk
It’s my world too, ‘gonna change the way
My future is happening here and now
Gotta save what I can of this world somehow
No time to mess up!
It’s time to save up!
You better! You know why?
Cause it’s my world too!
In my mind
grew a tree of red autumn leaves
that swayed to the strains
of some brooding guitar
rooted in fond memories
that I come back to often
and I wake up smiling
at a life filled with love…
given, taken, refused, given back…
but love in all its forms
have made this tree grow
and now in the orchard
of my faint consciousness
I gaze up at it
with a strange
happiness.
grew a tree of red autumn leaves
that swayed to the strains
of some brooding guitar
rooted in fond memories
that I come back to often
and I wake up smiling
at a life filled with love…
given, taken, refused, given back…
but love in all its forms
have made this tree grow
and now in the orchard
of my faint consciousness
I gaze up at it
with a strange
happiness.
In my solace
i shout at the dark
angry at it for gnawing at my mind
while I fight to make sense
of the things i see....
I used to think
standing my ground
for what I believe and truly feel
will bring me to my fulfillment
While love changes all that
it keeps some things the same
.......that I am alone in this strife
.......that I alone in this life....
.......and no amount of shouting and fighting
will take me halfway
to where I want to be.
i shout at the dark
angry at it for gnawing at my mind
while I fight to make sense
of the things i see....
I used to think
standing my ground
for what I believe and truly feel
will bring me to my fulfillment
While love changes all that
it keeps some things the same
.......that I am alone in this strife
.......that I alone in this life....
.......and no amount of shouting and fighting
will take me halfway
to where I want to be.
Am I supposed to look away
While you look past me
And pretend that one’s eyes do not see
What they wish they could see
When I look in your eyes
I see nothing but defiance
A closed gate that’s painted brightly
Closed windows that invite voyeurs
And you dare to jest
Of how I am at your behest
While I move my world around you
You play me like a game
That you could drop when you get tired
That you come back to when you yearn again
And I need to plead
For you not to kill me as yet
For I am no goblin or orc
That you cannot look at
With kinder eyes
While you look past me
And pretend that one’s eyes do not see
What they wish they could see
When I look in your eyes
I see nothing but defiance
A closed gate that’s painted brightly
Closed windows that invite voyeurs
And you dare to jest
Of how I am at your behest
While I move my world around you
You play me like a game
That you could drop when you get tired
That you come back to when you yearn again
And I need to plead
For you not to kill me as yet
For I am no goblin or orc
That you cannot look at
With kinder eyes
I never sleep without even a tiny light on.
My friends find this strange whenever I sleep over at their houses. I would request for a nightlight, or to leave a table lamp, or the bathroom light on through the night. I just tell them I'm scared of the dark. That's really not the kid inside me, but my grown up mind that is scared of the dark. They would all laugh at me. And I would ask them...
When you're in the dark, and in absolute silence...
what do you think about?
Your day, how it went, who you've talked to and what about?
Why you said something, why you did something, who heard it, who didn't?
Do you pray? Do you dream? Do you talk to yourself?
..or....
do you just enjoy the sheer nothingness? thinking nothing? no worries, no thoughts, no concerns, no lists, no whys, no whos, no wheres.
I used to be scared of being alone in the dark. It's amazing how far I'd go if I turned my mind loose in all this darkness. No direction, no walls, no ups and downs. I'd go really wild and really deep. I'd go really sad and really high. I go beyond myself and forget who I am, and leave that self...actually leave that self, and then look at it from afar. When the lights are turned off, the walls, the ceilings, and floors, all disappear, and I am unleashed...i flow...i scatter...i flourish. I have trouble gathering myself back in one body. My consciousness tries to cover the expanse of this endless nothingness, trying to make sense of it. I fly and I run and i stop and i swim, never-ending. I move...never ending...in circles....non-stop. And I get soooooo tired. More tired that when I'm up, and about moving in the true world.
Lights on!
I would keep it that way. A night light is of course, always nice, it could even be romantic and alluring. For me, it's a need. I need to stay inside this world, and not lose myself again. I might not be able to get back as easily. And yes..I am scared.
My friends find this strange whenever I sleep over at their houses. I would request for a nightlight, or to leave a table lamp, or the bathroom light on through the night. I just tell them I'm scared of the dark. That's really not the kid inside me, but my grown up mind that is scared of the dark. They would all laugh at me. And I would ask them...
When you're in the dark, and in absolute silence...
what do you think about?
Your day, how it went, who you've talked to and what about?
Why you said something, why you did something, who heard it, who didn't?
Do you pray? Do you dream? Do you talk to yourself?
..or....
do you just enjoy the sheer nothingness? thinking nothing? no worries, no thoughts, no concerns, no lists, no whys, no whos, no wheres.
I used to be scared of being alone in the dark. It's amazing how far I'd go if I turned my mind loose in all this darkness. No direction, no walls, no ups and downs. I'd go really wild and really deep. I'd go really sad and really high. I go beyond myself and forget who I am, and leave that self...actually leave that self, and then look at it from afar. When the lights are turned off, the walls, the ceilings, and floors, all disappear, and I am unleashed...i flow...i scatter...i flourish. I have trouble gathering myself back in one body. My consciousness tries to cover the expanse of this endless nothingness, trying to make sense of it. I fly and I run and i stop and i swim, never-ending. I move...never ending...in circles....non-stop. And I get soooooo tired. More tired that when I'm up, and about moving in the true world.
Lights on!
I would keep it that way. A night light is of course, always nice, it could even be romantic and alluring. For me, it's a need. I need to stay inside this world, and not lose myself again. I might not be able to get back as easily. And yes..I am scared.
