I wanted to see what's inside of me, and I saw the world staring right back.
Wednesday, October 29, 2003
I never sleep without even a tiny light on.
My friends find this strange whenever I sleep over at their houses. I would request for a nightlight, or to leave a table lamp, or the bathroom light on through the night. I just tell them I'm scared of the dark. That's really not the kid inside me, but my grown up mind that is scared of the dark. They would all laugh at me. And I would ask them...
When you're in the dark, and in absolute silence...
what do you think about?
Your day, how it went, who you've talked to and what about?
Why you said something, why you did something, who heard it, who didn't?
Do you pray? Do you dream? Do you talk to yourself?
..or....
do you just enjoy the sheer nothingness? thinking nothing? no worries, no thoughts, no concerns, no lists, no whys, no whos, no wheres.
I used to be scared of being alone in the dark. It's amazing how far I'd go if I turned my mind loose in all this darkness. No direction, no walls, no ups and downs. I'd go really wild and really deep. I'd go really sad and really high. I go beyond myself and forget who I am, and leave that self...actually leave that self, and then look at it from afar. When the lights are turned off, the walls, the ceilings, and floors, all disappear, and I am unleashed...i flow...i scatter...i flourish. I have trouble gathering myself back in one body. My consciousness tries to cover the expanse of this endless nothingness, trying to make sense of it. I fly and I run and i stop and i swim, never-ending. I move...never ending...in circles....non-stop. And I get soooooo tired. More tired that when I'm up, and about moving in the true world.
Lights on!
I would keep it that way. A night light is of course, always nice, it could even be romantic and alluring. For me, it's a need. I need to stay inside this world, and not lose myself again. I might not be able to get back as easily. And yes..I am scared.
My friends find this strange whenever I sleep over at their houses. I would request for a nightlight, or to leave a table lamp, or the bathroom light on through the night. I just tell them I'm scared of the dark. That's really not the kid inside me, but my grown up mind that is scared of the dark. They would all laugh at me. And I would ask them...
When you're in the dark, and in absolute silence...
what do you think about?
Your day, how it went, who you've talked to and what about?
Why you said something, why you did something, who heard it, who didn't?
Do you pray? Do you dream? Do you talk to yourself?
..or....
do you just enjoy the sheer nothingness? thinking nothing? no worries, no thoughts, no concerns, no lists, no whys, no whos, no wheres.
I used to be scared of being alone in the dark. It's amazing how far I'd go if I turned my mind loose in all this darkness. No direction, no walls, no ups and downs. I'd go really wild and really deep. I'd go really sad and really high. I go beyond myself and forget who I am, and leave that self...actually leave that self, and then look at it from afar. When the lights are turned off, the walls, the ceilings, and floors, all disappear, and I am unleashed...i flow...i scatter...i flourish. I have trouble gathering myself back in one body. My consciousness tries to cover the expanse of this endless nothingness, trying to make sense of it. I fly and I run and i stop and i swim, never-ending. I move...never ending...in circles....non-stop. And I get soooooo tired. More tired that when I'm up, and about moving in the true world.
Lights on!
I would keep it that way. A night light is of course, always nice, it could even be romantic and alluring. For me, it's a need. I need to stay inside this world, and not lose myself again. I might not be able to get back as easily. And yes..I am scared.
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